Rest

The time I learnt to rest was in summer. It was extraordinarily hot and since air conditioning does not exist in my country, I simply had no other option than to close my blinds, open the windows at the evening and let a fan run to cool off at least some of the hot air.

I own a light turquoise mini dress and with nothing else on me, I lay down on the mildly cooling floor. A pillow under my head. No lights, no noise. No task. I couldn't do anything else. Working, cooking, cleaning, sports... It was way to hot to even hold a book. And without initially realizing I took rest.

It got me with a feeling. A warm tingle spreading from my womb, up into my heart and into my whole body. A sense for myself surfaced. No words. Just feeling. And suddenly nothing was missing. Suddenly I just let myself be. And instantly recharged. Instantly felt something....everything I so long and still had been looking for in the external. In doing. In other people. Trying to “fill me up”. That was when it hit me:

I don’t need to do anything to get rejuvenated.

I've read about it so many times and yet my mind had still kept me away. Because it felt not quiet right. To not do anything but getting energized made no sense, and by anything I especially mean also not thinking in circles.

For me, since forever, laying down was connected to thinking. Mentally revisiting my day, my decisions. Getting confronted with all my feelings and emotions and trying to make sense of them all. That has nothing to do with rest and is actually pretty intense. And it's doing. It is active.

So through these hot summer days, I came to fully enjoy just being. Maybe looking at my phone then and again. No restrictions. Maybe listening to music. But whenever I put everything aside and let myself really just be and feel without any distraction or my mind analyzing and running in circles, that was when I finally physically and wholeheartedly understood the idea of resting.

And I also realized that it only needs to be as long as it needs to be.

Maybe it comes up to be needed every other hour but only a couple of minutes long.

Maybe it is needed to be very long but only once a day or any mixture of time and duration.

I did not need to know.

I, within all of this, started to trust myself fully. Through honoring my rest. Honoring my need and not analyzing or diminishing it but fully accepting it and letting it happen.

Even after the days got cooler again, I kept that. I gave in. I gave in so much more. The urge to close my eyes. To lay down. To get in touch with this voice trough feeling. And it elaborated.
I never again judged myself for needing rest nor did I ask if it made sense. I accepted it's organic construction and rhythm.

Learning to rest was one major stepstone for me to get in tune with my feminine and I quickly realized it to be the base of it all.