Imperfection

Letting imperfection into your life to bring you abundant joy and peace of mind.

~

Be honest with yourself: How much do you still hang onto a certain picture of how your life and yourself should be like. This includes how everything should look like, act like and feel like. Maybe you manage to get the first two right but the feeling part never comes.

Why?

Because living from this mindset is not letting you inside your heart space. Not letting you breath.

Relax and be at ease. And that's exactly when we feel.

~

I'll take it a few steps back and start at the beginning.

I catched myself just lately still keeping myself uptight. Cleaning directly after myself to keep my apartment look a certain way. Hanging onto routines a little too much masked under "taking care of myself" and "honoring my needs".

But did I really care for and honour my soul?

This I began to ask myself because the feeling of yearning paired with a certain emptiness and shallow melancholy wouldn't go away. Even though I did take such good care of me.

So what was going on?

I asked myself where and when I lately had felt most alive and content.

It was when I was on holiday.

Well yes. No obligation, no agenda. Sure I had felt happy and light. But I dug deeper. And I had a light bulb moment.

While on holiday, I had completely let go of all my obligation and (self-)organizing like I had to within my work life and daily routine - or at least I thought I had to.

I did just do whatever I felt like. Really. No restrictions whatsoever.

Going for cake and coffee twice a day? - Yes of course.

Buying myself little souvenirs? - Yes.

Staying up late, wandering through new cities and places, visiting harbours and markets? - Yeah.

Sleeping in and not tidying everything maniacally? - Absolutely.

And I realized: I might be somehow restricted in my work life and daily living due to schedules or outer expectation but ohh I still do have so so much freedom. Which I didn't give myself enough of.

Routines can be friend and foe. Depending on how we use them.

When we see them as vehicle to keeping a certain standard that we consider as guarantee for well-being and happiness, it gets tricky.

Whenever we get too rigid or hold onto ideas of perfection, routines and managing ourselves might bring the exact opposite.

~

Doing what makes me feel alive and vibrant. Like I'm filled up to the brim. Literally bursting.

I felt into this deeply and discovered how I sort of… kind of… very subtlety had still kept me small.

In control. Restricted. Managed.

Out of different little fears.

Not out of love. Not from abundance. Not with pleasure.

Out of fear. Holding back. Having one foot on the brake still.

And life mirrors back. Always.

So I asked myself very sincerely which routine do I do in disguise. Not because I do it out of love, love for life and for myself or because I really want to do it but out of fear, doubt and self-micromanaging.

And I gasped. Because it was still so much. After all this time of being woke. Seemingly.

I did not judge myself though since it made total sense why I had acted like that. And yet still. It made me feel achy. Unfulfilled. At stake.

I did so, and now I dare to generalize, we do cling onto things and routines out of fear because we try to protect ourselves.

We mask it as "keeping our boundaries", "taking care of ourselves", "prioritizing our needs". And while all of this is vital and very necessary and right, I came to the conclusion that intention matters.

Oftentimes we keep our boundaries and self protection so rigid because we are in anticipation mode. We keep everything tight and built like a little wall in front of us so we don't even have to make our boundaries clear or freshly act on them. We keep the wall up, just in case. Boundaries clear. We don't have to adjust them in any occasion because we cautiously keep them at the same level of intensity all the time.

But this also shields us from aliveness.

And from everything that wants to come to us. The good and the bad, those two merely being labels for simply any upcoming in life from which we always learn and gather wisdom.

It keeps away possibilities and people. Intentions and situations that might foster great joy, wealth and happiness for us. Or bring trigger and pain for us to evolve and grow. And heal a little bit more. It's all not going to reach us if we hold on to our wall.

We loose our shields and overprotectiveness in circles and cycles as well, just how we learn anything really (if You're interested, read Cycles).

I, for my part, am very sure I'll may built walls again just to remember to let them be. Or maybe I'll even discover more rigidness in me along the way. It's fine. It can dissolve and loosen up then.

~

Yet still, I came to a point where I sensed the very small remains of my fortress, of my wall had kept me from feeling fully alive.

So I dared myself to feel. To sense.

Do I do so out of fear or out of love?

Do I harden out of right instinct or of trauma and precaution?

Do I built a wall because it's needed right now or because it might come in handy some day?

Yes, we do need conscious and firm boundaries which always stem from a reflective and healthy sensing towards ourselves.

Yes, we need to take up space and leave if we feel like it, say no and do what feels good instead.

Yes, we have to take care of ourselves. Treat ourselves. Nourish our body and soul. Reset and tune inwards.

But also yes, we can do so without walls of routines, as small as they might be.

We can let go of all precautions and start to truly fully trust ourselves that we can built up the right protection in split seconds whenever it's needed. Stepping up for ourselves and communicate clearly what we don't want and want instead.

But up until then we can let ourselves be free.

Eating a croissant for lunch and not working out in weeks just to workout every day the next week because we truly feel like it. Packing salads and precooking stews and soups.

Staying up late reading, watching movies or listening to music and being incredibly tired at work. Just to be in bed by 7 pm the next week because we simply want to.

Not cleaning or vacuuming for weeks because we are too busy meeting friends, family and going out together. Just to decide to clean the bathroom at 6:30 while taking a shower because you can't endure its state anymore.

No fixed morning routine, no meal prep and planning.

Maybe we will get sick, maybe we won't.

Maybe the friendships we value und take care off will last a lifetime maybe they won't.

Maybe the next person entering your life is your person forever or will turn out as temporary companion.

~

All the pampering and precautions in the world cannot give us any guarantee of well being, health and security.

It's only so human of us wanting to set things in concrete and have them once and for always certainly.

But...

That's not how life works. And it's definitely how we as humans experience happiness.

It's all about balance. Honoring our true soulful needs and wishes. And not questioning them at all. Not at all. Sometimes we might have to find compromises and sometimes things are swirly and mixed up.

But trust that we know always what is exactly right in that moment.

It might look and feel messy. But it's free from overthinking. It's free from anything we learnt that should be "the right way".

Go and find your way. Trial and error. And feel how within this search, you free yourself.

You step out of your tower and in front of the walls you still had kept up yourself. Shielding you from harm for sure. But also from love and life.

P.S. Yes, this is highly analytical. Sometimes it feels better to only sense, feel and let the emotions pass without trying to figure them out. (Maybe I'll write about this some other time). For the purpose of getting a message across, I feel I cannot transmit getting into my headspace and putting it into words, even though it's not easy and I feel so much that I feel and realize on another level slips through my fingers whenever I write on these topics. Still. Words carry meaning. So, anyone who reads this firstly has to grasp the message on a cognitive level as well before all of it eventually settles in the heart and the subconscious and expands as feeling. Thence it spreads into being and unfolds just right.

Maybe one day I'll find another way to mediate :)