Cycles

The art of being alone is really the art of being present. Only now can we fully expand. Only now can we fully evolve, only now can we fully be, feel and live. Everything else is illusion, wishful and might not even happen.

~

Even though this sounds very pessimistic, I feel it has a lot of truth.

We tend to project our happiness and fulfillment onto other people or projects. May they make us happy forever. How silly. Within the word “project” lies the truth already: We can only project what has its origin in us.

So if somebody else makes us happy and a project leads to fulfillment then only because this love, purpose and abundance was created and felt in us first. We then gave it away.

It happens quietly, happens in cycles. Differs, expands but happens again. We seem to loose our magic, our uniqueness because we free-willingly give it away.

There are a lot of answers to this but how we react whenever it happens and we realize it, seems more vital to me.

~

I used to judge myself hard, feel bitter and could dwell on self hate for hours, even weeks.

Why did this happen to me again? Why am I so weak? Why do I not love myself enough...why do I want to escape the present moment? Why.

The answer to all of it is - I wasn't and I didn't. Neither was I too weak nor did I not want to be with myself. But more so I had to accept my cyclic learning and expansion - like everyone else.

Once we realize, and yes one realization is enough to kickstart a journey, that we actually want to learn to be alone, to be with us because we are the source for everything we ever dreamed of and wanted, we never ever loose ourselves again. This is important.

This is the trust that needs to be built. Because we think we do. We think we've lost ourselves…or at least something.

We seem to run in circles but in fact we are never touching the same ground again. It only moves upwards. But since it's us moving upwards of course we are handling the same topics over and over again, it's us after all. Whatever that means. Even situations and scenarios that seem the same are only similar because we always learn a little something. And come closer to us. It's upward and inward but it's not linear. So we go outward again and circle around.

But we never abandon or loose ourself again. Never.

The only thing that gets smaller and maybe eventually dissolves completely, I don't know yet either, is our ego and our self judgement as the source that creates the feeling of guilt shame and pain whenever we give our power away for a little while.

Whenever we seemingly forget again that no other person will ever be capable of holding us like we hold ourselves, whenever we forget that no job, no workout, no project will bring us ultimate joy and peace, that's when we will always find our way back. To us.

Because no relationship to other people or outer experience would exist without us living through it. We experience and feel it with our heart and our senses. We filter and, like I said before, we actually give all of it life.

It sounds a little edgy and weird at first. But once you get hour head and heart around it it's crystal clear.

Of course it is.

~

Outsourcing joy and happiness will never get you there. Yet still it happens. Because we were conditioned to do so. Our parents, great parents and ancestors were conditioned to do so. But somewhere along the way there had been this wisdom before.

We are here to express ourselves, whether through a job, a relationship, a hobby or any project. But it's only putting the love and creative energy that lives and moves though us into expression. Maybe to leave a legacy but mostly because it needs to come into this world.

The way we love our partner or children shapes the world. The way we act in our job, the way we paint, sing or write has much more impact than we might think. It brings everything into this world. Warmth, colour, love.

So.

Whenever I loose myself now I follow two steps. To move on. And lovingly embracing me.

1) I do not judge myself for it. It happens. It does not indicate my worth, power or strength. It simply is part of me, this journey which surely will go on forever.

I simply stop. I remember. That I know, in my heart and mind, that what I'm looking for in outsourcing and by looking away from myself and my being in the now will not fulfill me. Will not bring he answers, will not bring what I'm searching for.

Love, silence, wholeness, peace of mind.

It's in me already and only crumbles if look away, want things to be different or try to fixate feelings which are labeled as good.

Which brings me to …

2) I remember the love in me and I remember how I actually can feel it the most when I'm with me. Through doing what makes me happy, doing what flows naturally, what brings me joy. And most importantly taking time to simply see life as it is right now and seeing my possibilities as they truly are right now.

For example, if I'm tired in my job but holidays are far away I remember that I always have the right to slow down. To take a break no matter what. And intentionally create a setting that makes me feel like I'm on a tiny holiday.

If I'm sad and tired of being alone, I remember the power and freedom that comes with it and I remember my honest belief that we are all connected anyway. So being alone is relative and lives through our definition.

If I feel stuck and unhappy with my productivity or outcomes in projects or even if I'm unhappy with my body or anything that's up to me to shape (or not!) - I embrace how far I've come and let it stay aside.

The best tool however - and I leave it for last because sometimes I feel, it's the one least wanted but actually the most effective one - is stopping it all. Stopping to fix. Stopping to re-adjust. Stopping to harden and shaping myself again.

It happened.

Alright. Move on.

Nothing wrong with it, with me, with whatever came out of it this time.

I have neither lost myself nor my wisdom nor my route in life. It's all still there.

I just move on with life. My daily schedule. What needs to be done. And I tend to myself. What feeds my soul, what lets me breath easily and relax.

And sometimes I talk it out. I talk about it, write about it. And then move on. Not analyzing, not labeling, simply pouring it out in order to make space to move on.

~

That's it. That's all there is to it.

In those moments I'm also mostly fully aware that it will happen again and it oftentimes makes me smile at that point. Because it's so out of my control and reminds me of the bigger powers in life as well as how good of a practice it is to let go and let myself be carried through life.

So if I can smile at it then, why should I judge myself when it happens again?

Be gentle to yourself. Nothing ever is in vain.