Tired

Sometimes I'm tired of holding myself. Standing firm for myself, organizing, directing, structuring life for myself. Deep down I do know, it is my only duty on this path, on this earth, I dare to say in any universe. The only duty. No other task really matters. And still. Sometimes I'm tired of being the masculine to my feminine, being all in once.

Sometimes I just want to be all feminine. All soft, down to my last fiber and cell. I want to be held, guided and taken care of. By someone. Who is easily capable of being the masculine part, for me as well. Who actually enjoys that and takes from this task. Who blooms and radiates whenever he gets to take care of me. Who's heart thrills in excitement to meet my needs.

For the longest time I thought this must be some fantasy which more or less might be fulfilled by another human being but much rather not. For it seemed too dreamy, too good to be true and all the men that came into my life where capable to some extent, but never fully. I say this without resentment or any negative connotation. I know they all have given me what they had to give. But they just couldn't fully hold me. So I figured, it is not real. And diminished it.

A couple of years ago I woke up. I call it that because it simply felt like it. I woke up and with that came the absolute certainty that all my dreams are actually supposed to come true. Every yearning is my birth right, every need is there to be fulfilled.

This goes for everyone. Everyone of you can simply accept that, yes, it is supposed to be that way, whatever way it is you feel your job should look and feel like, your relationships should be and well, how life should feel like.

There are some tricks and meta levels to this. For it will not fall from the sky. But generally speaking, trust your yearning, trust your senses. It is supposed to be that way, to feel that way. And it will.

After I gathered so much, I started to learn to give to myself. Nobody was by my side and I always knew, deep down, that I'll have to learn that. That I actually want to learn it.

I did so quickly. It becomes quiet easy after some time, listening within and acting on it. Actually there's nothing more to it. I feel sometimes writers or coaches tend to complicate this "giving to yourself" a little bit. It's not about investigating and analyzing every ick and turn inside of you. It's also nothing that can be done or figured out by thinking your way to it. It also has nothing to do with perfection or the ambition to meet every single one of your needs to a full percentage. It's much rather flowing, easy. Nothing happens if you don't “get” yourself right away.

Usually whatever you need, truly need, not out of ego (this is "wanting") just pops up. It enters the surface, it's simply there. Doesn't leave. If you ignore it, it stays. Silently at first. Then it gets louder. Until your body acts on it. And then you most certainly know.

The more you do it, the easier it gets until you come to a point where ignoring it for a long time is not possible anymore. I call this a blessing even though it might feel tough sometimes. Because your needs and intuition don't care about standards, they don't care if it makes you likeable or if it's convenient. So, you'll sometimes have to sweat through it. And the longer you do it, the faster it will be.

~

Coming back to my starting point: I am absolutely and perfectly capable of holding myself, fulfilling my needs and following my intuition. I follow my own impulses and create a framework for all of my nature to flow in. I can do that. Balancing the masculine and feminine within me. And most of the time I enjoy it. It's very rewarding and brings a lot of peace.

Yet still. Still, sometimes I yearn. For another part. Sometimes I'm tired. And it aches. I wondered for a long time why this is and came to a conclusion:

I truly believe this is a huge part of our feminine nature as well. Yearning in general and yearning for another part. And it is okay. It is reasonable. It is purposeful.

As always this is not about what is right or wrong but how you act on it.

What do you do with that information?

Yearning is feminine, aching is feminine. It is first and foremost human as well.

We feel all the good and all the pain in the world, including ours. We feel it deeply. All of it. And we yearn.

~

This part was hard and sometimes still is. I feel this circumstance most simply has to be accepted and it does not exist for us to forcefully do anything about it. Nothing has to be done about it.

Acceptance is powerful and heart-centered. It opens everything.

I accept every yearning, knowing it has a right to be there and oftentimes I cannot act on it.

With accepting it, it will get less heavy and after some time - it’s always time - it will pass.

Yearning comes and goes in waves, just like all emotions do. And suddenly I'm less tired of holding myself. I just pick it up easily again.

No need for panicking.

Besides accepting it, it sometimes helps me to ask other masculine systems to hold me. By that I mean relying a little more on other people, asking for help, guidance or anything you could give yourself but don't necessarily have to.

It also works with non-human systems. Like transportation, restaurants, any caretaking institution. To illustrate, I'll list some examples below:

• Ordering in/eating out instead of shopping and cooking

• calling an Uber or taxi instead of using public transportation or driving yourself

• Using a washing/dry cleaning service

• Delegating tasks at work (this also implies declining extra work or setting back schedules) or in your personal life (e.g. asking someone to pick something up for you, doing chores, driving you somewhere)

• Calling a good friend (or Mom) and ask for permission to unload some emotional baggage

... I think you get the gist.

It may seem like small things but actually these add up. It makes a difference. At least for me.

Asking for help and what you need and not thinking you always have to do everything on your own is very empowering and for me, it eases the yearning. It helps me moving through it. More so. It lets me appreciate it as it proves I am human, I am deeply emotional and hold the world inside of me.

So, maybe you feel the same. Maybe you resonate with this. I wholeheartedly invite you to try this on your own. Maybe it'll help you as well.

You are wonderfully made and exactly how you are supposed to be, with all your feelings, all your dreams, whishes and yearnings.

Learn to love it.